I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
