whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Randomize
