I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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