never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize