my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
