Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I smell like Dick and happiness
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
