So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
We are all done wearing pants today
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
