so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
you had me at cake vodka
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
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