you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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