we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
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