I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I got inside last night via doggy door
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
