I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
