im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
