I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
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