Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
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