I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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