i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
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