my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
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