2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
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