You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize