Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
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