were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize