Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Randomize
