I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
