You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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