Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
