So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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