I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
