who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
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