Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
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