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• (212): View more from New York

  he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings

  (718): View more from New York

  He can't hurt my feelings

  (718): View more from New York

  I don't have feelings.

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• (973): View more from New Jersey

  haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??

  (630): View more from Illinois

  savin' lives aint cheap

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• (304): View more from West Virginia

  My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.

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• (443): View more from Maryland

  He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid

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• (918): View more from Oklahoma

  Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?

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• (985): View more from Louisiana

  Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.

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• (714): View more from California

  When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.

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• (615): View more from Tennessee

  I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.

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• (301): View more from Maryland

  I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass

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• (716): View more from New York

  Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at

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• (330): View more from Ohio

  lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow

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• (541): View more from Oregon

  Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day

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• (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.

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• (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.

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• (978): View more from Massachusetts

  all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers

  (1-978): View more from Massachusetts

  are we talking malt balls or BK?

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