I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
So many bounce houses so little time
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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