i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
