I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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