Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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