Dude my mom stole all your condoms
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
