ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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