I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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