Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
