My hair reeks of homosexuality.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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