im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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