I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Randomize
