she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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