around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
