Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
this beer tastes like vomit already
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize