Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
