I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
