I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
