yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
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