If i come over, it means nothing
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
