shes about as inviting as chlamydia
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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