I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
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