it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Randomize
