I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize