i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
