I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Randomize
