he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Randomize
