There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
oh god was she eating orange peels again
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
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