I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
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