In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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