please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
