I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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