My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
it's great music for shaving your balls
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
